Tag Archives: containers

Possible Felony: Eating an Old Lady’s Cookie Mail

I write to my entire department on Jan. 26, 2011 at 12:21 p.m.

So I’m a terrible person.

I received a package in the mail at my apartment and it was addressed to the person who used to live there.

I had good intentions. I brought the package to work to give to the USPS people so they could forward it on to where it needed to go. But then a bunch of time went by and I decided to forget it.

The package has been on my desk for about two weeks and in my purging spree, I decided I would open it and see if it was important. If it was, I would make sure that Rosalie Delgado received her package.

So I opened it and it’s a bunch of stale holiday cookies. But there’s some biscotti in there and some truffles that are pretty good.

It’s all in the food cube if you’re so inclined.
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R replies all:

Thanks for sharing… I think.  Though stale cookies are still better than no cookies (right, J?)
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The other N.P. plugs her Girl Scout Cookies:

Well, if you want FRESH cookies . . .
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I tease:

Well isn’t someone just a Nancy Pants…
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Then, J unleashes this:

This whole thing sounds crumby to me. I mean the cascade of illegality committed by one Ms. P. rises to the level of a federal crime—why don’t you just put a penny on the rail road tracks or burn a dollar bill while you’re at it you hoodlum?

As for poor Ms. Rosalie, I mean, who knows what this woman’s story is. Alone on Christmas, waiting for a pathetic box of cookies to arrive from her children, who send her sweets every three months to stay in the old lady’s will. But the cookies didn’t come this Christmas, so Rosalie probably went to her lawyer the next day and wrote them all out. The kids, who had been living the life of the prodigal son in anticipation of a trust fund transfer on the day the estate tax expires now must go out and get jobs in this economy and they can only HOPE to be as successful as the fine young man who passed out free chicken at the Gallery mall, but what is more likely is they will decide that the answer is a life of crime and debauchery.

Yeah, the whole thing sounds crumby. It’s not going to keep me from going over and getting a cookie though. I’m not that concerned.

There weren't NEARLY as fresh as these babies.

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I reply:

Wow. Just Wow.
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J retorts:

You, my dear, are a family wrecking federal felon.
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Maybe. But at least someone got to eat them before the last cookie crumbled.

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Marinating Cat

Via email yesterday at 1:09 p.m. Subject line-“This may be the most disturbing news story I’ve seen in a while” J writes:

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/08/11/marinating-cat-menu-new-home/?test=faces

(It’s about how police pulled a man over for a traffic stop and found a cat marinating in peppers and onions in his trunk-he was going to eat it).
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I write back:

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?

That is. OH MY GOSH.

I’m in disbelief.
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J responds:

Can you imagine someone sticking that sweet feline in a pot of peppers and onions? Not me man. He ought to be strung up.

Navarro, the car cat.

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I bring it back to the blog:

Could this be a Cake in the Conference Room post?

Speaking of cake in an office room, I just had a little sliver of A’s devil’s food cake: OMG it was so good.
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J:

I’d rather not blog about cats in peppers and onions. I love cats. I love peppers and onions. But the two do not go together.

But it does remind me of a song…because far too many things remind me of a song (to the tune of “Cat’s in the Cradle.”)

“And the cat’s in the kettle at the Peking Moon
“Where I go to lunch every day at noon
“They tell me that it’s beef or chicken or pork
“But it’s purring on my fork, yeah, it’s purring on my fork.”

I had one of those chicken sandwiches for lunch; my throat didn’t close up.

And I had a slab, not a sliver, but a slab of A’s cake. It was like there was a party in my mouth. Although every time I think of Red velvet cake I’m reminded of Steel Magnolias where they baked a red velvet cake in the shape of an armadillo and called it bleeding armadillo cake.
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Me:

“But it’s purring on my fork, yeah, it’s purring on my fork.”

That’s why I loved working at P.F. Chang’s.

No. Not because we ate cat disguised as other animals, but because I knew we were getting all white meat chicken and whatnot.

That and Family Meal. Family Meal was hilarious. A giant Tupperware vat with two, count ‘em TWO, different Chang’s delicacies-usually orange peel chicken and some type of beef or salad. No divider; one ladle.
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J:

I think you told me about Family Meal before.
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Then J comes out of his office and begins serenading me and the intern with his rendition of “Cat’s in the Kettle.” We all laugh about it, I tell him that he has a thing for parody versions of songs; at the office holiday party, while everyone else was sort of singing “Walking in a Winter Wonderland”, J was singing, “Walking Round in Women’s Underwear.”

He says it’s a video, and runs into his office. I hear some music playing, him chortling uncontrollably, and then his door slamming. Momentarily, he sends me the following link with the subject line, “That didn’t take long to find.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JR4RNK1L2DA

PS-I tagged this as “Food Trucks” for obvious reasons (just because the man wasn’t going to sell the cat from his car doesn’t mean there’s wasn’t a food truck involved).

Enjoy.

Icing, Food on the Floor, and Coke

Via e-mail at 3:13 p.m.
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J writes:

We’re living in a society people…can we agree on a couple of things…

it’s OK to eat icing straight out of the can. We all want to, so I’m giving you permission to do so. There is a lot of white cake being made unnecessarily (chocolate cake has its own special merits) so that people can frost it with all manner of deliciousness. This flour could be put to better uses like solving world hunger.

…eating food off your own floor is OK. This only applies to certain food. While it may be fun to see if you can fry an egg on the sidewalk, I don’t recommend eating it if you do. But if you drop a cheese puff on your office floor, go ahead and eat it. You’ll regret that you didn’t later. I mean, you might not admit that you regret it, but you will.

…Coca Cola can solve a lot of the world’s ills. The 80s were a simpler time, when we all had a Coke and a smile. Coke, as we all know, was originally made with cocaine, which was one of the main psychiatric drugs of the late 19th century. Made people extremely happy, at least until they died from heart attacks caused by the cocaine. Now we don’t use cocaine to treat psychiatric disorders. People are miserable and, oddly enough, they are still having heart attacks. So maybe we over-reacted. I’m just saying.