Fast Food, It Gives So Much and Asks for So Little

J writes via email at 2:52 p.m.

So on my way back on my walk today I stopped by the KFC in the Gallery Mall and got one of those boneless chicken filets; fried, not grilled. As an aside, if you order the grilled chicken because it is more healthy I submit you are an idiot. If you want to be healthy, don’t eat at KFC. Grilled chicken will just remind you that fast food chicken is not the same product they serve at fine restaurants and breading and deep frying covers over a multitude of sins.

There's another chicken in that chicken.

Anyway, I ordered the boneless fried chicken breast. This comes without the bun or any other garnishment for $2, or $2.14 with tax. Money well spent, but I also got:

The opportunity to give feedback. Yeah, I called the survey on the back of the form. I didn’t have anything worthwhile to say, but then again I seldom do as readers of this blog will attest (have you noticed that while methods of communication have proliferated we haven’t had anything worthwhile to say in them?), but I punched all the keys and did my thing. I hope I made a difference. Sometimes you just gotta get shit done because shit doesn’t get done by itself, know what I mean?

I was motivated to do the survey because if you do the survey you get entered into a drawing for $1,000. This made it sort of like a scratch and win lottery ticket. When I was in high school, I was addicted to scratch and win lottery tickets because in Ohio they didn’t do things like check IDs. I won $100 once and spent a lot of money trying to win $100 again. But I didn’t consider it money wasted because I enjoyed the time I spent scratching off the win columns. These tickets are at least $2 and up now, so in a sense my chicken was free because I had the opportunity to win $1,000. No, I didn’t win, but people don’t win the actual lottery much either.

And on top of everything else, they gave me a coupon for $1 off the new doublelicious combo, which is KFC’s way of saying they are not even trying to pretend they are healthy anymore. From the picture it looks like the restaurant’s answer to the idea that the double down was a bit too much because it’s a chicken patty with cheese, bacon and that special sauce that you can never reproduce because it’s made 1,000 gallons at a time. Interestingly they do have a grilled version, but it’s much smaller in the picture and has lettuce, so I guess they are trying. Good for them. I’m not going to eat it, but good for them.
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I respond:

I wanted to say this about KFC:

I can’t eat there anymore. And no, not just because I’m a vegetarian. Because I have reason to believe they put MSG in their food.

Who cares about MSG when it makes things more delicious?

Me. I do. Because the last time I had KFC (3 years ago), I had an allergic reaction. And not just “ooooh, my stomach hurts and I feel crappy” but like, a true allergic reaction;  hives, itching, sneezing, migraine.

My roommates and I lived in the ghetto of New Brunswick a short drive from a KFC. We saw an ad for a meal special: $7 and you get two sides (hello mac and cheese and mashed potatoes!), chicken, biscuits, and a soda. Why yes please! I’m in college, poor, hungry, and have low food standards, sure! I’d LOVE some comfort food.

Never again.

Bad shit man, mess you up.
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J retorts:

I think I heard this story before. You are starting to do repeats.

I think you may have even used the same tone and inflection when describing your love of mac and cheese and mashed potatoes.
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I sass back:

Look. We spend a lot of time together. I guess I’m sorry about the repeats. Not really though, because I wouldn’t repeat myself if you talked about something other than KFC and their doubledown sandwich.

So I say: Get used to it.

And I believe in spreading the gospel about KFC and the MSG in their food, ok? IT WAS AWFUL. Awful! My roommates got sick too. We were all out of commish for two whole days. That’s disgusting. For food!…that was alright I guess, but if we had just pooled our cash we could have prepared a chicken dinner with mashed potatoes and bought the mac and cheese at Wawa, it would have been MORE tasty and not as intestine-destroying.

And I believe in the beauty of a well-done macaroni and cheese.

And a free America.

What?

I’m just sayin.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
J replies:

Repeats aren’t all bad, I suppose. I do still like Seinfeld even though I could quote almost all the episodes by heart.

FREE TIBET!

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